Loneliness. We know what it is and we’ve all felt it, but I like how Wikipedia puts it:
Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future.
Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness
Loneliness is a response to isolation from feeling a lack of connection with others now and tomorrow.
Ministry loneliness is a hard reality. It’s also an oxymoron because when you’re in the ministry, you’re surrounded by people you serve. Yet many people serving in ministry experience loneliness. I hear this often from other kidmin leaders. They feel isolated and disconnected from others or even their own church.
Two Areas of Ministry Loneliness
There are two areas of ministry loneliness I’ve observed. The first is from people who lack support. The second is from people who lack community outside the ministry.
Ministry leaders who lack support may not be getting any resources from budget to ministry space to volunteers. They may have the resources and do everything correctly, but nobody shows up to their ministry events. They and their ministry are treated like an afterthought or a babysitting service.
Ministry leaders who lack community outside the ministry are often times lacking in support as well. They don’t have time to find or create that community because they lack support and end up doing everything themselves. Or they have some support, but not enough to give them the opportunity to venture outside the children’s halls. Or they’re single. They don’t have spouses or children to be in community with. I’m in this boat by the way, and let me tell you. It is hard for single people to find or create that right community.
Find or Create Community
Did you notice that I keep talking about finding or creating community? Community is important. We were created for community, with God and with each other. It’s right there in Genesis and right there in science. While loneliness is natural, leaving it unchecked is dangerous. The answer for both areas of ministry loneliness is community. Find it or create it.
Community is all around us in various forms and sizes. From small groups at church to your own neighborhoods to clubs and meet-ups in libraries, malls, or community centers. There are also online communities like Facebook groups, but while those are great, in-person (IRL = in real life) communities are crucial. If finding a community to join sounds intimidating, start with a big event where you can get lost wandering in the crowd.
I do this in festivals in my city. They’re never big festivals, but big enough for me to simply enjoy being a part of my city. I usually find something interesting and end up chatting with the vendor. This is how I learned about Brian and his pop-up single origin coffee business that serves amazingly smooth coffee from Vietnam. All it took was a genuine compliment and a question to connect with someone. I say that as an introvert who’s amazed at my friends who can chat up strangers. From them I learned that finding community doesn’t mean I have to become fast friends with others. I just have to be friendly.
You can also create community by intentionally spending time with others. My closest friends and I had a big realization in our twenties. We had to schedule hanging out with each other. We literally pull up our calendars on our phones, check our work schedules and ministry commitments, and find time to meet up at least once a month. Creating community with new friends is even easier said than done, but not impossible. Creating community takes intentionality, consistency, and flexibility (to explore each other’s interests or meeting others somewhere that may inconvenience you).
Connect
Leaving loneliness unchecked is dangerous. It can lead to depression or burnout or other health problems. How do you know if you’re in this or headed towards this situation? If community drains you mentally and physically, or leaves you feeling more alone like you’re in a bubble that won’t burst or under a rain cloud that won’t end.
If this is you, connect with someone who can professionally help you like a counselor, a therapist, or a pastor who you don’t answer to like a pastor outside of your church. I added that caveat because you need that outside perspective from someone who won’t also worry about your performance as a leader, who can speak into your life objectively, and who you won’t have to worry about offending.
Fighting ministry loneliness is tough, but possible with the grace of God. You are not alone. Yes, God is with you, but the larger community of ministry leaders is with you, too.
